Priority 1 Transport

First Day on the Job

2008-10-06T17:03:00.001-07:00

OK, so it's the first day on the job, and the first run of the day. It's a 10 minute transport of a DNR to a hospice. Load up a pink, but struggling 90+ female and put her in the truck and take a quick set of vitals. Not great, but she's not going to be our problem for long, so off we go with me in the back.

Six minutes later, dead. I keep trying to reposition, sternal rub...even tried the HEY!!!!!!!! attempt at verbal cardioversion. Partner starts calling supervisor and everyone else he can find, and we arrive at the NH. Well, hell, they don't want her. I sit in the back of the truck with a dead body and we can't find anyone to take her. Eventually, we locate the patient's doc and he calls ahead to the originating hospital and they agree to pronounce her and give her the basement transfer.

By the time I'm back at the station, the word is already all over the company.

First day on the job, and I already have my nickname: The Angel of Death

Divorce Granted

2008-10-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

Two words.

Three dates and a proposal. One year of engagement. 25 and a half years of marriage. Lived twice in Florida. Twice in Louisiana. Once each in Montana and Hawaii. Two great kids. Three months separated.

Divorce granted.

My Tragedy in 665 Words

2008-09-30T10:10:00.001-07:00

Myriad forms of love exist in this world. Today’s heartbreaking discussion is on the difference between the love one has for a friend, and romantic love. I find myself absolutely shredded because I can’t differentiate the two when it comes to one particular person. More accurately, I cannot choose one over the other.

Many will tell me that there is no way I could possibly be so profoundly in love with someone so quickly. Even she has told me that. I have only known her since late June. I know I felt an immediate stir when I first saw her, and I can attribute this to simple attraction. She is, after all, probably the most strikingly beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. Yet, as we continued to see each other this feeling continued to swell in me. Oh my God, if you could see what I see when I look into her eyes! Her kiss is the essence of pure magic. To hold her is to feel ten feet tall. I fantasize about what it would be like to wake up each morning tangled up in her; that hers is the last voice I hear before I sleep and the first I hear each morning. Could I do this for the balance of my life? Every day, my heart and mind agree: resoundingly, yes. But, here’s the rub. She can’t get over someone else.

I found myself very quickly at a crossroad. She has one she can’t get over, one she’d really like to explore, and I am third. She and I sort of (I say "sort of" because it turns out I'm too weak) agreed that we should be friends. I agreed to continue to love her unconditionally as a friend should. I believed I could. After all, to have her as my friend is better than to do without, right? I want to be her friend, I really do. I want to reassure her that I will still love my friend as she romantically loves another. This is what a mature man does. However, in a moment of weakness, during a rather ordinary conversation I accidentally hinted at something and she asked for more detail. I spilled the beans. I confessed that I love her with that sort of love that is inconsistent with being just friends-- that I want more than she is able to offer me. I simply cannot hide any intimate detail of my thinking from her. There is nothing I wouldn’t tell her.

I believe I have lost her. I simply cannot bring myself to the point of being a true friend with this girl. Not without having the whole of her heart. Not this girl, she’s different. I have women friends, some of whom have been friends for years that I don’t feel this same necessity. I know I am capable of this. I describe my truest friends, thus: If the phone rings at 2 a.m. and they say “I need you here,” I don’t ask why. I simply say “I’m on my way.” With this one, though, I want to already BE there at 2 a.m. I have tried dating other women during this period, and I cannot truly be with them 100%. Why? My heart is elsewhere. I feel that this will be the case every time. So, what did I do? I drew a line in the sand. I just don’t believe I can be the type of friend she wants. I’ve done this a couple of times before with her, but I don’t think I can take this one back. The very last thing I want to do is to hurt her. I LOVE HER. But at what price to my own heart?

I wish I knew how to win her heart. If I held that secret, I wouldn’t be walking away from what I believe could have been the best part of my life…maybe the best part of me.

I hurt.

A Little More Perky Today

2008-09-23T16:19:00.000-07:00

Enjoy.

More Wistful Thinking

2008-09-22T17:38:00.000-07:00

"Won't you meet me in Montana,
I wanna see the mountains in your eyes,
Oh I've had all of this life I can handle,
Meet me underneath that big Montana sky."

It's One thing...

2008-09-22T05:56:00.001-07:00

It's one thing to know it all. It's quite another to know it all and also know when it's time to keep your damn mouth shut.

I need to learn to sit in quiet confidence and let other people be wrong if they need to be. No matter how frustrating it is to watch someone do the wrong thing repeatedly, I cannot feel the hurt for them. Not only can I not hurt for them, they will never come to the point of change if they are not allowed to hurt enough. When a friend hurts, my only responsibility is to comfort them. Not bash them over the head with their own hurts.

I will love my friends with all their flaws, as I hope they love me and mine.

Those Who Think They Know it All Are Particularly Annoying to Those of Us Who Do

2008-09-21T17:14:00.000-07:00

You have a friend. You care very deeply for this friend. This friend willingly, knowingly, repeatedly makes the same mistake over and over, ad nauseum. This mistake is risky behavior in the extreme that will ("will" not "may) ultimately result in potentially grave injury to your friend. Your friend utterly dismisses the harm this would cause to friends and family. This friend refuses to accept that the behavior will tragically affect those closest, especially the children.

If I were walking toward certain injury, ignoring every warning sign, ignoring the history that tells me how certain the injury is and how grave it will be, I can only hope that someone will care enough about me to remind me that I'm not just injuring myself but those around me. I would want to have the opportunity to evaluate my decision.

I can't be sure, but I don't think I'd call my friend an arrogant know-it-all. At least if I did, I hope that I would have the intelligence to rethink my position and take it back. My friend is, after all, trying to help.

The truth is a bitch sometimes. Your friends shouldn't be.

Need some perspective?

2008-08-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

The anniversary is coming.

Boy Meets Girl

2008-08-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

With a hearty hat tip to Ambulance Driver, I am linking to THIS POST. Why? Because there are words in there that strike me to the bone about not only myself, but someone else I know.

I sure hope I can cheer up soon. Perhaps I may have the chance to help relieve someone's misery during my ride-out on the bamalance on Saturday. It never ceases to amaze me to discover that the crushing pain in my life will always pale in comparison to that of some other poor individual. In other words, someone always has it worse than me, no matter what my issue is.

There is a God. I am not Him.

2008-08-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

You probably expected some deep theologically based anecdote. Sorry.

Just weird that the night before I go meet my new shrink, we cover psychiatric emergencies in EMT school. Let's see if I pass the test in her office tomorrow.

Amost Finished

2008-08-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

I'm in the home stretch of EMT Basic school. One more ride-along, an exam, a final, the registry. Done.

I'm shopping around for trucks to ride on, for pay or otherwise through December.

If I'm lucky, I'll get taken on as a Reserve with this great service that has red and white colored trucks.