My Tragedy in 665 Words

Myriad forms of love exist in this world. Today’s heartbreaking discussion is on the difference between the love one has for a friend, and romantic love. I find myself absolutely shredded because I can’t differentiate the two when it comes to one particular person. More accurately, I cannot choose one over the other.

Many will tell me that there is no way I could possibly be so profoundly in love with someone so quickly. Even she has told me that. I have only known her since late June. I know I felt an immediate stir when I first saw her, and I can attribute this to simple attraction. She is, after all, probably the most strikingly beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life. Yet, as we continued to see each other this feeling continued to swell in me. Oh my God, if you could see what I see when I look into her eyes! Her kiss is the essence of pure magic. To hold her is to feel ten feet tall. I fantasize about what it would be like to wake up each morning tangled up in her; that hers is the last voice I hear before I sleep and the first I hear each morning. Could I do this for the balance of my life? Every day, my heart and mind agree: resoundingly, yes. But, here’s the rub. She can’t get over someone else.

I found myself very quickly at a crossroad. She has one she can’t get over, one she’d really like to explore, and I am third. She and I sort of (I say "sort of" because it turns out I'm too weak) agreed that we should be friends. I agreed to continue to love her unconditionally as a friend should. I believed I could. After all, to have her as my friend is better than to do without, right? I want to be her friend, I really do. I want to reassure her that I will still love my friend as she romantically loves another. This is what a mature man does. However, in a moment of weakness, during a rather ordinary conversation I accidentally hinted at something and she asked for more detail. I spilled the beans. I confessed that I love her with that sort of love that is inconsistent with being just friends-- that I want more than she is able to offer me. I simply cannot hide any intimate detail of my thinking from her. There is nothing I wouldn’t tell her.

I believe I have lost her. I simply cannot bring myself to the point of being a true friend with this girl. Not without having the whole of her heart. Not this girl, she’s different. I have women friends, some of whom have been friends for years that I don’t feel this same necessity. I know I am capable of this. I describe my truest friends, thus: If the phone rings at 2 a.m. and they say “I need you here,” I don’t ask why. I simply say “I’m on my way.” With this one, though, I want to already BE there at 2 a.m. I have tried dating other women during this period, and I cannot truly be with them 100%. Why? My heart is elsewhere. I feel that this will be the case every time. So, what did I do? I drew a line in the sand. I just don’t believe I can be the type of friend she wants. I’ve done this a couple of times before with her, but I don’t think I can take this one back. The very last thing I want to do is to hurt her. I LOVE HER. But at what price to my own heart?

I wish I knew how to win her heart. If I held that secret, I wouldn’t be walking away from what I believe could have been the best part of my life…maybe the best part of me.

I hurt.